Imminent Transcendence

Your idea of a three-way is chili over spaghetti topped with cheddar cheese.

You know what goetta is – and you’ve eaten it.

You hate Cleveland, but you don’t know why, and you’ve never been there.

You think Pete Rose and Marge Schott were railroaded.

You say “Please?” instead of “Excuse me?”

You think Northern Kentucky is part of Ohio.

You’ve been to California, Wyoming, Coney Island, and Over-the-Rhine in one day.

There are less than 100 murders a year, and you still think you’re in Detroit.

You think Dayton is a Third World country.

What groundhog? It’s the St. Patrick’s Day parade leprechaun that forecasts how much longer winter will last.

Indiana is about 20 miles away, but it takes about four hours to get there.

You felt personally betrayed and affronted when Skyline changed their jingle.

It’s too cold in the winter, and too hot and humid in the summer, to ever stay outside for very long.

You drive to Dayton or Louisville to avoid the prices at the Cincinnati airport.

City council members hold debates on whether or not they should debate in the first place.

Tourists still flock downtown to catch a glimpse of cast members from “WKRP,” even though the show hasn’t aired on network television since 1984, and the show was filmed in LA anyway.

You ask lifetime residents where the President Taft house is, but they don’t know either.

If you do something — anything — in public long enough, sooner or later it will be banned.

Your low-fat diet is never low enough to exclude Graeter’s ice cream.

You get through winter listening to Marty and Joe’s broadcasts from the grapefruit leagues.

Big Red Smokies are a ballpark treat, not cause to dial 9-1-1.

If necessary, the city could easily be sliced into two new cities: East and West, and it would take 20 years for anyone to notice something happened.

Chocolate and cinnamon, not peppers and beans, are in your chili.

You can drive 30 minutes in any direction to hear a different accent than your own.

You can accurately judge people’s social status by which Kroger’s store they frequent.

You can go to any church festival in any neighborhood on any weekend and see at least five people you either work with, went to school with, or dated.

Even the slightest mention of former baseball commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti makes your blood boil and your ears steam.

If the temperature hits 45 degrees, and the sun comes out in any month between November and April, people walk around downtown wearing shades and no jackets.

The top stories on the local 6 o’clock evening news look suspiciously like the articles you read in the newspaper that very morning — and even use the same quotes.

Any carbonated beverage is a “pop.”

Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union.

You can’t hear the words “Mike Brown” without getting angry.

You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall Fame.

You have more stadiums, coliseums, and arenas than you know what to do with.

It doesn’t seem weird to you that everyone has an Uncle Al.

Your favorite Coney Island isn’t in New York.

You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.

You know how Jerry Springer got his start.

You know what a pony keg is.

You have friends and neighbors with names like Machenheimer, Guckenberger, Schlottman, Schoenling, and Schweitering.

You know that cars (like eggs) are cheaper in the country.

An all-boys or all-girls school doesn’t seem that odd to you

You think a mixed marriage is when an East Sider marries a West Sider.

You know the difference between Hudy and “Who Dey.”

You know what cream ale is, and you think that cream soda should be bright red.

You think Kentucky is only slightly more civilized than Afghanistan.

You know in which state the Greater Cincinnati Airport is located.

You actually understand the word, “CRAVE” and white castle burgers.

You can almost name the seven “hills” minus one or two.

You’ve seen and know the Bengals’ Johnsons and its not because you’re a ho.

You’ve done the chickendance downtown in a group of hundreds, and been proud.

When you’re feeling good ‘n’ hungry, you know what time it is.

You know LaRosa’s phone number by heart.

You love highschool football far more than college football.

People ask you what you school you went to and you tell them your highschool, not your college…and they know people in your graduating class.

You live by the motto: “If it’s Brown, flush it down!”

You know that playing cornhole doesn’t happen after you drop the soap in the shower.

You wouldn’t cheer for the Steeler’s if they were playing Iraq.

You pay more attention to the Crosstown shootout than March Madness.

You hear Miami and you automatically think of Oxford.

You sit around on the weekend complaining that there’s nothing to do, knowing damn well there are two pro sports teams, US Bank Arena, tons of nightclubs, museums, and stage performances.

You think Touchdown Jesus is up I-75, not at Notre Dame.

You think the Eiffel Tower is sea-foam green and in an amusement park

You call Kroger “Kroger’s” and just found out you were wrong

You have been offended by the term Cincitucky

You know that Nasti Nati is not an insult to your city

You only purchase Procter & Gamble products

You think the day of the WEBN fireworks should be a national holiday